Essay of Application; First Draft
Do Gyun Kim
In 500 words or less, describe any personal circumstances or academic experiences (positive or negative) that you feel are important for us to know about you.
When I was born, I was born with the internet. In 1989 the World Wide Web was born, now known as the internet. Without any doubt our technological advance has already reached eutopia. With click of button I could order anything, starting from food to largest order such as Nicola Tesla’s Tesla coil. With click of button you could start video chatting from another side of earth. I was lucky because my father provided me with latest Intel 80486 microprocessor computer when I was age of seven. At the same time I was able to use internet when most of the children were did not know the existence of internet.
Eventually, I was hooked on computer engineering and I built my first computer when I entered middle school. I have made many computers since then, I never gaze my eyes off computer at once. I ate with computers, I sleep near the computers, I have basically live with computer forever. I became so good with computers which I eventually opened a computer repair shop, when I was in high school. Furthermore, due to my father’s finical problem I wanted to help my father. During my high school, my father had found large cancer cell around his liver, and he was no longer able to work when I was in high school. So I started selling computers and fixing them when I was in high school, but What I did not realize was that my grade has fall down since I have put my all effort into selling computers rather than academic achievements.
Later on, I realize I wanted to do larger things. I wanted to build stuff that no one else could think of. I wanted achieve unimaginable things that most people haven’t thought of. I did not want to limit myself in computers, but I wanted to build something greater. I wanted to build a robotic cleaning machine which will utilize the human time. I wanted to build a robot that will bring help to those disabled people. I wanted to control the light in my house with my voice. I wanted to drive my car from my cell phone. In order to bring all this to real life, I need more education. I enjoy learning, and thinking about bring these projects life make my heart go wonder. The greatest inventor Thomas Edison once said “I never did a day's work in my life. It was all fun.”
This is why I am applying in UMASS Amherst. In order to bring the future one step closer to people’s life. Also, in order to achieve my dream and future benefits to community and people around me. I also think greatest opportunity comes to people who know how to take great opportunity.
February 22, 2010 at 7:29 PM
Post Write for Essay of Application.
# How do you feel about the paper so far? Please explain and offer evidence from the work.
I think I need to improve my sentence structure. It feels like well written story, but some how I can’t get off the feeling that it does not have proper major details for each paragraph.
# What remains to be done? Please be precise.
I sense major grammar problem on screen as I am reading thorough my essay. I can detect it anymore, because now I am at blind spot to detect them. Please detect them for me!! : (
Also, I think I need to make some change on my beginning of my essay. It feels like sentences are not connected well.
May be, I have to start reading from bottom to top.
# What questions do you have for readers about the piece?
How is overall flow? Or sentence structure? I was wondering if I made enough impression to the application reader.
February 23, 2010 at 2:29 PM
Emily Barboza
Peer Review
February 23, 2010
Do Gyun Kim (Kevin)
Application Essay
The Assignment is asking Kevin to write an essay of application by describing a personal circumstance or academic experience wether it be a positive or negative one, that he fees is important for us to know about him. I believe that my partner has met the expectations of the assignment very well. I like his use of the personal experience, and also how he included a positive outcome to a family struggle. When he talks about his dad, and his cancer and that his financial problem, motivated kevin to work at something he was good at. His topic sentence shows potential, but i think with the use of a question, he would engage the reader quicker, or possible the use of humor to begin with. What made you decide to incorporate help for the disabled in a computer driven world? Why Umass Amherst in particular. A suggestion would be to elaborate further on that specific university and what specifically they can offer you.
February 24, 2010 at 5:46 AM
Reviewer’s Name: Robert Quarles
Date: 2/24/10
Partner’s Name and Title of Paper Reviewed: Kevin Kim “Applications Essay
In your own words, fully and with precision, describe what the assignment is asking the writer (your partner) to do? Please use your own words rather than merely quote from the assignment.
The assignment is to write a 350-500 word essay of application either using a question from our text books or a essay question from a college. Kevin decided that he would do an application essay from UMASS Amherst.
To what extent has your partner met the expectations of the assignment? Please pick a passage as illustration and describe what works well there. Again, try to use your own words.
Kevin has more then met the requirements. He has answered the question, given reasons why his father’s health and his computer business have affected his life and outlook on life.
What area needs more work? Why? Please pick a passage as illustration and describe what isn’t working.
Kevin seems to have a pattern of either forgetting a word or of using the wrong form of the word. Small things like “a” or “the” make a huge difference if completely left out.
Please indicate TWO questions about the draft and at least ONE suggestion for ways to improve it.
What exactly got you so interested in computers?
You say that you want to build bigger and better things as the reason that you applied to UMASS but, what do you want to enroll in at UMASS?
Kevin needs to be able to grab the reader’s attention better besides that and the missing or wrong version of a word you did great.