The Application Essay Draft Two
UMASS Amherst Application Essay.
Personal Statement
In 500 words or less, describe any personal circumstances or academic experiences (positive or negative) that you feel are important for us to know about you.
Did you know I was born eight month after the birth of internet? In March, 1989 World Wide Web was born. It was one of the historical moments of technology that really give us that wow feeling. Without realizing technology is already at our doorstep, like it’s our neighbor. Our world technological advance has already reached eutopia, with click of button I could order anything, anything starting from foods to largest order such as Nicola Tesla’s Tesla coil. With the click of button you could start video chatting from another side of earth. I was lucky because my father provided me with latest technology such as Intel 80486 microprocessor computer when I was seven years old. At the same time I was able to use internet when most of the children did not know the existence of internet.
Eventually, I was hooked on computers and I began building my first computer when I entered middle school. I have made so many computers since that time. I never gaze my eyes off computer at once. I ate near the computers, I slept near the computers, and I have basically lived with computer forever. I became so good with computers which I eventually opened a computer repair shop, when I was in high school. Furthermore, due to my father’s finical problem I wanted to help my father. During my high school, my father had found large cancer cell around his liver, and he was no longer able to work when I was in high school. So I started selling computers and fixing them when I was in high school, but What I did not realize was that my grade has fall down since I have put my all effort into selling computers rather than accomplish academic achievements.
Later on, I realize I wanted to do larger things. I wanted to build the stuff that no one else could think of. I wanted achieve unimaginable things that the most people haven’t thought of. I did not want to limit myself in the computers, but I wanted to build something greater. I wanted to build the automatic cleaning machine which will utilize the human time. I wanted to build a robot that will bring help to those disabled people. I wanted to control the light in my house with my voice. I wanted to drive my car from my cell phone. In order to bring all this to real life, I need more education. I enjoy learning, and thinking about bring these projects life make my heart go wonder. The greatest inventor Thomas Edison once said “I never did a day's work in my life. It was all fun.”
This is why I am applying in UMASS Amherst. Because UMSSS has one of the brightest computer engineering program far as I know. The students in UMASS already have made robots such as UBOT5. Far as I know attending UMASS is final frontier of my projects and goals, which eventually my dream will benefits the future and benefits to community. I also think greatest opportunity comes to people who know how to take great opportunity.


March 1, 2010 at 6:00 AM
# How do you feel about the paper so far? Please explain and offer evidence from the work.
I tried to catch most of the problem in the essay. I was not able to catch all of them, but kindly reduce typos and errors. Also, I try to use my personal voice through out the essay most of the time. Even though, it's hard to tell.
# What remains to be done? Please be precise.
Hmm... I can think of anything for moment. But I tend to get the feeling that some how topic sentence has no relationship to my sentence structure? or I need to work more on bridging the sentence.
# What questions do you have for readers about the piece?
How is the essay? I still seem to work on little bit more, Anyhow feel free to drop in some comment if you notice any problem or anything I should revise. : )
March 5, 2010 at 6:39 PM
Hi Kim:
I learn a great deal about you here, and it's all interesting. To that extent, you've done a good job of introducing yourself to your readers.
Really, the bulk of your work in improving this piece will be editing, pure and simple. I'm sure that it is no suprise to you that you will need to work on supplying missing articles (a/the), occasionally inappropriate noun endings (plural, usually), and inconsistent verb forms and tenses. That's where your work will lie: in editing.
I'd be glad to help.
rephrase? Without realizing technology is already at our doorstep, like it’s our neighbor.
why the shift to "you"? With the click of button you could st
rephrase? I never gaze my eyes off
typo? finical
verb form/tense: has fall down
rephrase? who know how to take great opportunity.
March 6, 2010 at 6:52 PM
Thank you for the thoughtful comment professor.
I have accidentally used "you" in the sentence, also is it okay to use question to begin the topic essay? " Did you know?" isn't this against the first person?.
I guess the real challenge is on editing. I realize lots of typo and grammar problem still exist through out the essay.
Thank you once again : )