News Story (Second Draft)
Do Gyun Kim
Howard Tinberg
Eng 11
3/15/2010
News Story (Second Draft)
Help is already on its way with BCC.
The recent earthquake on Haiti has left us in sober, nevertheless BCC administrators felt same. That's why BCC is contributing donations for Haitian students to buy for the ticket to revisit their family and physically help them throughout the spring break of BCC. The nine students, who are now on their way to visit their family during the spring break of BCC, currently they have left the airport of United States since as the date of March 14, 2010, and they will be coming home by end this week.
The President of BCC, John J. Sbrega and the Vice President, Steve Ozug has been discussing the project to help Haiti, well as current administrator of BCC. Rather than just giving a large amount of donation to Haiti, or to a relief group, such as World Food Programe, or as well known Red Cross organization. The administrators of BCC wanted to specifically help the individual Haitian students who are currently attending BCC. In addition, BCC administrators and Vice president Steve Ozug had open discussion with Haitian student in the BCC, to get some ideas about what are the effective ways that BCC community can help the Haitian students. Eventually, many of the Haitian student proposed that it would be good if they get to visit their family and help their family situation throughout face to face.
Although, nine Haitian students from BCC already has left the airport of United State to airport of Haiti, the amount of money for BCC to buy airline tickets for nine Haitian students has not yet been reached. Since the amount of money for the Haitian student’s ticket was not enough by spring break, the international club in BCC has given the loan to buy the ticket for the Haitian student so they could visit their family during the weeks of spring break.
The ticketing was done by BCC’s associated travel agent, in order to make sure they arrive their safely and have place stay. Furthermore, there were few other Haitian students who also wanted to visit Haiti to help their siblings, but they have so many things going on with their own life, they simply couldn’t get excuse from the jobs. For those students who couldn’t travel since they have current job that they have to take care or any other reason, BCC is giving away any money that is raised above the requirements of ticket to the family of Haitian students who are currently struggling in Haiti. The administrators are making sure the contribution money will be transferred to the family who is affected by earthquake.
The Vice President Steve Ozug said “we are very close to reaching the amount of the money we need.” Also, student senate Abu Moro commented “it’s also nice to help people when they needed our help”. Previously Abu Moro and student senate has done bake sale for donation to Haiti students, they also donated a camera to Haitian students who are going to Haiti. In addition, Tutor club, International club, and Portuguese club has also went bake sale for donation to Haitian students.
This project is still on going until end of this semester, and the students who are coming back from Haiti would appreciate your support and donations as community in BCC. The location of donation box is in on G building, also for any large amount of donation will be accepted through enrollment center in G building.
March 15, 2010 at 8:17 PM
# How do you feel about the paper so far? Please explain and offer evidence from the work.
This writing was biggest writing project I have ever done so far. During the writing, I learn have learned few skills that I will never forget which is controlling the structure of the essay how the information is transferred to the readers as they are reading through my newspaper. Also I thought I have learned lot about many projects in BCC, and how they are helping each other as community member. Also, during the writing process of my newspaper, I have accidently met Abu Moro, who is one of the active members of student senate. Eventually, I interviewed him right away regarding project on Haiti and learned about how his is involved other project such as shoe collecting in BCC. I thought it was most informative newspaper I have ever created.
# What remains to be done? Please be precise.
Even though, I might have created informative newspaper, I need to visit writing lab to check on some of the grammars and overall sentence structure, some of the flow the sentence doesn’t seem quite right and I couldn’t rephrase by myself.
Once again I battle with editing!! (cough) Grammar.....
# What questions do you have for readers about the piece?
Did you get motivated yet? Please feel free to drop some of the donation at G building , your community waits on your help : ).
March 21, 2010 at 12:49 PM
Hi Kim:
If I understand it, your focus or angle is the college's aid in sending the Haitian students back to their country to be reunited with family after the quake. Is that right? If so, I suspect you'll want to revise your headline and you may want to tighten the focus a bit of the news story to reflect that (with only a brief sidebar about the college's efforts to help Haiti through donations).
Phrasing remains a problem, as in this example from the very start: has left us in sober, nevertheless BCC administrators felt same.
Note also subject/verb mismatch, as in this example: Although, nine Haitian students from BCC already has
I'd be glad to assist you with working to edit your writing, as the writing center, I'm sure, will.
As we agreed, also, you will acknowledge all sources and use an interview of your own.
March 27, 2010 at 4:23 PM
Thank your for your thoughtful comment professor, as usual I still have few problem running through my project as usual. Such as phrasing and subject/verb mismatch. I also realize topic of this newspaper slightly missed the focus for the news story. At this rate my revising will be never ending....sigh.
Again, I appreciate your time for helping me through this project
: ) Thank you.